small world

I have to be honest.

I have grown up in a very nurturing and safe family environment. I've grown up in and out of the church. I've been surrounded by church people...all my life. I went to a private, Christian institution. I work at that same private, Christian institution. I've been on staff at two churches. I read Christian books. I've had a lot of theological discussions.

In light of this,I look at the world and wonder why some people just seem so crappy. I don't enjoy seemingly hostile environments. I have a mental list of things that disqualify others from my presence. I like to feel good about myself. I don't like feeling uncomfortable. And I don't like being in the presence of a bunch of "lost" people. In fact, I try to avoid those instances.

So, there. Honesty is the best policy.

I am wrong.

I am realizing that my life does not relate to anyone outside of the church world. My view of the world is not fully shaped by the Good News that Jesus came to set the captive free. It seems more like Jesus came to keep me from the rest of society. While His arms are open, mine stay folded. I have trouble conveying my love for Jesus in a way that people can really understand. Saying He is "awesome" doesn't do it and using theological terms only makes it more difficult. I've bought into the idea that I should be on the defense, preserving the integrity and cleanliness of my safe, little world. It's hard to share that with others. In fact, it's impossible. No one wants "in" on that.

Jesus simplified life. His command to love God and love others is characterized by a life of selflessness and service. That is a fragrance to this world. I am finding that my love for others has been hindered by a severe misunderstanding of "following Jesus." I have maintained a life pleasing to those in the church- one marked by morals, good behavior and smiles. Is this a bad thing? Not entirely. But have I obeyed Jesus in His command? No.

I felt "the call" to ministry as a 17 year old. I remember walking down that aisle, convinced I wanted to spend the entirety of my life in a building similar to the one I was in, preaching or singing to the rest of the church world. Wow. It's crazy to think that I could spend my life doing something contradictory to Christ's command. I thought that ministry was standing in a pulpit and getting handshakes after a good speech! Christ is beckoning me for His mission. And it doesn't necessarily translate to church-work.

I don't want to waste my life. I want to know its going to count for something. Something bigger than good intentions, well-behaved children and a problem-free life. I want to see Jesus changing lives- and I can only see it if I get involved in His mission outside of the world I've so desperately clung to.

I have to ask myself:

Am I convicted more about the doctrines I profess or my lack of service to others?
Am I active in the lives of those who don't follow Jesus? or do I excuse it with church-work?
Can I say that I love Jesus if I avoid those He has said to seek?

Change has to happen.

four months

It's been way too long since I've last posted. So, here ya go:

Marriage is...

Well, does anyone really know? It's hard to say without sounding cliche'. So, I'll just say that marriage is. Quite existential of me. It is a working relationship. One that cannot be understood fully without the direction of its Creator. I am learning that it is not good to be alone. I am also learning that Michelle has a different brain. I have much more fun waking up beside her. She shares in my weird, vivid dreams. She feels differently than I do in certain times for no apparent reason to me, but I have to go with the flow. Ha. Pun intended.

I enjoy life abundantly with Jesus. It's crazy to see where my mind has gone in leaving high school and small town life. I went to college and got plagued with a world of ideas. So, I started taking the house apart. And I began to rebuild it. Now, it doesn't look exactly like it did before remodeling; a few cosmetic differences but mostly new internal working parts. Well, what does all that mean? I thought the insides always stay the same...just go with it. I am back to deciding where life will go from here. Caught between the all-powerful Creator and a not-so-great-at-decision-making human part of me, I must walk in the direction of a disciple. Not sure how it's all going to look, but at least it will be an adventure. Life can't be too predictable or its growing power is lost.

I know one thing as of late: the tongue is a powerful object. And it releases the tension of the heart.