dream

Somewhere in the deep recesses of twenty-something, you can't find your dreams. It happens about the time you walk across that platform and grasp the most expensive headline you'll ever read. You are thrown into a world of ovation, gifts and the satisfying sense of achievement. You have just spent your entire preliminary adult life being informed about the world, its processes and earning a healthy roadmap for your future. You get your first real job and a roof over your head. Things are taking off. But, you soon find that achievement being replaced by anxiety. And your life is no longer planned out for you by your parents, teachers or a pastor. It's kind of fun- but really scary. You always thought you would start out in the dream job with the big bucks. Instead, you're working a job you don't even like while hoping you'll be able to buy a ring for your potential fiance in the next 10 years. You no longer have a life goal because you've accomplished everything set for you in your childhood. There you stand in a field of opportunity as it begins to rain. And it seems like there's nowhere to cover your head.

I didn't see any of it coming. I had both idealistic and unassuming expectations of the future before I finished college. I wouldn't have thought the sunshine of my future would get lost in the clouds. But lucky for me, I married a lady who just can't let me settle in the chair of mediocrity. So, back I go to square one where my slate is clear. I am learning how to dream again. I am reclaiming the vivid boy-like imagination that has characterized my world since the day I entered my mother's arms. I am taking time to develop my creativity and turn the conceptual into something tangible. I am venturing to be not a replica but avant-garde.

Looking to make something happen...

called

What does it mean to be "called" into ministry?

As I previously posted, I remember feeling that "call" when I was younger, not really understanding what it entailed. I thought it would be really cool to spend the rest of my life in a church, getting ready for Sunday. In my mind, ministry was a "high-calling", one that would certainly earn God's favor and blessings. "Jesus likes to bump elbows with the deacons and talk football with the pastors after church," I thought. It was the world that I had both found my niche' and considered to be my future.

Yet, I have realized that a better understanding is needed. Ministry is not restricted to the building and it not defined by a title. It is not only the staff or pastor's job to administer Christ, it is mine and yours. It knows no boundary and is not hindered by a budget. It is a living, breathing response to a world of despair.

As hard as I try, I cannot store away my opinions on the institutional church. I get tired of all the hoopla from the progressive end and the seeming disconnect from the hidebound. I loathe seeing a sermon series named after a popular movie and my ears are ringing from the multi-delay sounds of Jesu2s music. (some will catch that) I mean, come on, people aren't that impressed with the institutional church's forgery of culture. Often, I'm embarrassed to what goes on in the Christian world we have created. Yet, I find myself smack-dab in the middle of it, laughing at the same pastor-ish jokes and watching the new Catalyst videos. I have a giga-delay on my guitar pedal-board and other popular pedals leading to a nice "Christiantone"- coined to me by a local fifteen year-old. (you can't get too crazy in the sanctuary) And sometimes I just think I'm the coolest church person I know.

Anyway, I'm not sure I have a point or cool tagline. So, I'll leave it at that.

small world

I have to be honest.

I have grown up in a very nurturing and safe family environment. I've grown up in and out of the church. I've been surrounded by church people...all my life. I went to a private, Christian institution. I work at that same private, Christian institution. I've been on staff at two churches. I read Christian books. I've had a lot of theological discussions.

In light of this,I look at the world and wonder why some people just seem so crappy. I don't enjoy seemingly hostile environments. I have a mental list of things that disqualify others from my presence. I like to feel good about myself. I don't like feeling uncomfortable. And I don't like being in the presence of a bunch of "lost" people. In fact, I try to avoid those instances.

So, there. Honesty is the best policy.

I am wrong.

I am realizing that my life does not relate to anyone outside of the church world. My view of the world is not fully shaped by the Good News that Jesus came to set the captive free. It seems more like Jesus came to keep me from the rest of society. While His arms are open, mine stay folded. I have trouble conveying my love for Jesus in a way that people can really understand. Saying He is "awesome" doesn't do it and using theological terms only makes it more difficult. I've bought into the idea that I should be on the defense, preserving the integrity and cleanliness of my safe, little world. It's hard to share that with others. In fact, it's impossible. No one wants "in" on that.

Jesus simplified life. His command to love God and love others is characterized by a life of selflessness and service. That is a fragrance to this world. I am finding that my love for others has been hindered by a severe misunderstanding of "following Jesus." I have maintained a life pleasing to those in the church- one marked by morals, good behavior and smiles. Is this a bad thing? Not entirely. But have I obeyed Jesus in His command? No.

I felt "the call" to ministry as a 17 year old. I remember walking down that aisle, convinced I wanted to spend the entirety of my life in a building similar to the one I was in, preaching or singing to the rest of the church world. Wow. It's crazy to think that I could spend my life doing something contradictory to Christ's command. I thought that ministry was standing in a pulpit and getting handshakes after a good speech! Christ is beckoning me for His mission. And it doesn't necessarily translate to church-work.

I don't want to waste my life. I want to know its going to count for something. Something bigger than good intentions, well-behaved children and a problem-free life. I want to see Jesus changing lives- and I can only see it if I get involved in His mission outside of the world I've so desperately clung to.

I have to ask myself:

Am I convicted more about the doctrines I profess or my lack of service to others?
Am I active in the lives of those who don't follow Jesus? or do I excuse it with church-work?
Can I say that I love Jesus if I avoid those He has said to seek?

Change has to happen.

four months

It's been way too long since I've last posted. So, here ya go:

Marriage is...

Well, does anyone really know? It's hard to say without sounding cliche'. So, I'll just say that marriage is. Quite existential of me. It is a working relationship. One that cannot be understood fully without the direction of its Creator. I am learning that it is not good to be alone. I am also learning that Michelle has a different brain. I have much more fun waking up beside her. She shares in my weird, vivid dreams. She feels differently than I do in certain times for no apparent reason to me, but I have to go with the flow. Ha. Pun intended.

I enjoy life abundantly with Jesus. It's crazy to see where my mind has gone in leaving high school and small town life. I went to college and got plagued with a world of ideas. So, I started taking the house apart. And I began to rebuild it. Now, it doesn't look exactly like it did before remodeling; a few cosmetic differences but mostly new internal working parts. Well, what does all that mean? I thought the insides always stay the same...just go with it. I am back to deciding where life will go from here. Caught between the all-powerful Creator and a not-so-great-at-decision-making human part of me, I must walk in the direction of a disciple. Not sure how it's all going to look, but at least it will be an adventure. Life can't be too predictable or its growing power is lost.

I know one thing as of late: the tongue is a powerful object. And it releases the tension of the heart.

joining

Wow. A whole summer has flown by and here I sit, 5 days away from one of the biggest decisions in life. Yet, I am peaceful, hopeful, confident and humbled to be stepping into a new realm. This lady that I fight for, frustrate and love is embarking on a journey with me, to take in each moment of the day as the special opportunity from Christ to embody all that is selflessness and love. I must say it is a rather daunting idea- knowing all that I have ever remotely attempted to hide will now be on full display to this lovely woman. She will know me in ways that no other human ever has, or will. She will see my deepest insecurities and my greatest triumphs- all the while desiring my bold protection and unconditional love. I will continue to realize how prideful, selfish and childish I am- as Christ challenges, convicts and molds me through her. It will be the ultimate reflection of beauty and suffering that I can know on this earth. The marriage relationship will beckon me to see Christ in a fresh way.

I prepare myself to live differently- to share, to clean up more often, to shave a little more, to give, to think less of myself.

And I will reap the joy of marriage- two different, imperfect humans attempting to mold together as one-as Christ showers His love on us.

closer

Global expansion and technological innovation brings the entire world to your fingertips.

It's quite amazing, really. So much information can be accessed and tasks accomplished through the utilization of technology. Sending texts, googling a topic and imagery via satellite are each useful in accomplishing various tasks. Yet, what has intrigued me over the past couple of years is the role of technology in relationships.

The avenues available to "connect" remain endless. Wanna know what the nerdy guy that sat behind in you in 7th grade math class is up to? I'm sure you can find his profile on Facebook. Need to invite several people to a lunch meeting? Send a single text to multiple addresses. Don't waste time handwriting a letter when you can send an electronic message! Instead of reading the morning newspaper, just bring up your homepage and choose from several news sources. And by golly if you know the "private" lives of celebrities. Simply for your entertainment. (because we REALLY want to know)

Are these things "bad"? Is it wrong to utilize technology for the advancement of industry and management of time? No. But what I do see happening is a definite cultural shift in the perceived need for "real" relationships. Integrity and honesty is slowly falling through the cracks of the relational foundation built through years of human contact. It is becoming much easier to manage relationships at a distance without having to be emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically involved! It works to the perceived advantage of the individual, maintaining friendships at a safe distance in order to avoid all of the joy and pain that occurs in a meaningful relationship. While we continue to grow our social networks, I feel that we carefully detach ourselves from others and eventually, society. For example, I have over 1,000 friends on Facebook. Many of which I've actually met and some that just want to be "friends" with me because of our "mutual friends". Out of these 1,000 or more people, I actively engage in a meaningful relationship with less than 20- and around 7 or 8 in a given time period. This tells me that: 1. I have to limit myself to few relationships in order to experience the quality of each one and 2. I don't really know the other 980 of you. There, I said it. You are just a face on my friend list.

Texting/chatting/IM'ing/e-mail has industrialized the concept of communication into non-emotional streams of words. These messages leave the recipient with the opportunity to incorporate his or her own emotional meaning and understanding of said message. The issue is obvious. Stripped of any human elements, the messages carry the weight of linguistic suicide. (Don't ever try to settle relational issues through text messaging. It's bad.) Regardless, the upcoming generation is fascinated by the use of text and are the driving force behind text messaging plans. You can order a phone with a text-only plan. Seriously- a phone, a device used for over a century to verbally communicate-with sound- now being used to transmit typed messages. This is contributing to the decreasing emotional intelligence of this generation. Face to face contact and conversation is becoming a thing of the past- and our lives are suffering for it.

Let me reiterate- the whole mindset behind these technological advancements is "connectedness". If the consumer can be convinced that: 1. they will be more "connected" by using a certain technology and 2. they will be left behind if they don't embrace it, then people will fall for it. Money is always the driving force for this market, no matter what cultural decay is taking place. The more people are participating- the more capital is being produced.

What is the response? Is it to Thoreau ourselves (haha nice pun) into the wild and neglect the use of any modern-day communicating instruments? You could...but possibly a more effective way to combat the decreasing importance of face to face relationship is simply just to have it, in the midst of our wired world. Take time during the week to "unplug" and "disconnect" from industrial society and have meaningful conversations with people. Make it a point to meet with that friend, in person, to discuss how things are going in his or her life. Instead of expanding your phone plan, carve more time out of your week for the people that are important. Don't settle for the cheap imitation that the culture often embraces. Prioritize your life to place relationships at the top- and leave technology for the few things that actually require it. The world won't pass you by. I promise.

let's be friends

Community is so easy to miss.

Around each and every one of us is the opportunity to experience true, honest love. It is manifest in the body of Christ- set to be the fragrance of a Holy God to a lost and dying world. It encompasses all of that which is true and pure, forgiving and convicting us of who we are and supposed to be. it is the bond that connects us as one and transcends the earthly limitation of physical bloodline. It is the specific plan of God for his people.

How often we settle for the cheap acquaintance...

Community requires raw honesty, something many of us are not comfortable with. Having grown up in a culture of smiles and doin just fine's, we can be perfectly content in our self-righteous morality. Trading integrity and character for self-made idols of goodness and got-it-togetherness is eating away at our souls. We have a daily routine for making sure our outer appearance is acceptable to the rest of the world, even in our speech. Some work very hard to maintain this...and for what? All this to perpetuate an ideal of "me". We are so dedicated, we even take mission trips, read inspiring books and sing very loud at the worship service to satisfy our own egos. Harsh it seems- but its true.

You and I are challenged by people in our lives who are willing to say the things we DO NOT want to hear. This is called love, too. (It's not always smiles,l hugs and hellos) These people are not scared to speak truth. They have no regard for defensiveness or pride-but all devotion to Jesus Christ. It is His love that compels us to be light in the darkness- even when it shows up in our own hearts. If you and I are going to move forward in life- we need the people who will push past our defenses to get to the real issues.

I regret my missing out on real community while in college. I was too busy disconnecting myself from accountability that would challenge me to be more like Christ. And now I see it. Thank God for the close people in my life who are willing to speak up and challenge my direction.

A few things community is not:
-talking about someone to everyone else but that person. aka gossip. this is one of the vilest forms of dissension in the body. it does more damage to community than anything.
-maintaining a false image of oneself.
-hiding sin
-pretending
-watching a friend make terrible decisions and not speaking up to that friend.
-avoiding being truly known.
-ministering to everyone else except for those right around you.

Let's strive for honesty. community. the gospel. the body.

the fragile picture

It is very possible to be completely scared of stepping into your future.

You can be mentally fully convinced of what you have been given and what you are to do...and still find reasons to question it and remain outside the camp.

There are times in my dreams when I can't speak. I have dreams where my utterances are nothing and I am physically restricted. There are times where my dreams have consisted of me walking into complete darkness. I have dreams about opening a book only to be shaken and completely frightened upon flipping the cover.

These things are spiritual warfare. The principalities, the powers of darkness, the evil spirits of this world. For some reason, I have found myself dismissing these ideas, allowing them to lead me into confusion. If I am ever going to be anything, to move forward, to fulfill the call the the LORD has placed over my life, I have to recognize the attacks of satan. They are of deception and confusion. And if they don't happen during the day, they will surely come at night, during my dreams- the internal world no man can touch. This is why we need the God that never sleeps.

As a child I had a brilliant imagination. I had a way of seeing things in my head that allowed me to branch out and make the physical world around me that picture. As an adult, I have retained my ideologies only to find that they are easily attacked. When I was a child, I thought as a child. Now, I must recognize the need to protect the most precious aspect of my soul.

Only He can restore the passion that He has placed inside of my heart. He is the supreme being over every realm of life- physical, meta-physical, ideational and sensational. And he holds a firm grasp on what can sometimes be out of control in my mind. These dreams and visions rest in the hands of the one who gave them.

And I don't have to be scared.