careful when you open...

Intimacy scares most of us more than we think.

When it comes down to it, the idea of allowing someone else into our deepest being seems anything short of a death wish. It's that fear of opening a door that anyone, let alone yourself, has to actually see what's inside that keeps us running and hiding from reality. Behind these often unopened, rusty-hinged doors lie failures, mistakes, what if's and shouldn't have's, but also dreams, ambitions, I hope's and I will's. These things that tend to define who we are and what we've become will also play to our greatest advantage or disadvantage in who we will be. That is, unless we are courageous enough to reach inside and open these parts of ourselves to someone else.

A hot stove is a child's stinging reminder of what it feels like to be burned. And misplaced intimacy reminds us why we never wanted to be known in the first place. Maybe when they know you, they will run; or maybe if you actually become comfortable with who you are, others won't be. Maybe you have no easy antidote for the pain of the past- and it just keeps eating away. Yet, the only solution is to open. Open yourself to the freedom of release. Open yourself to the freedom of being known. Open yourself to love. The Creator has not waited for you to reveal these unknown things, for He already knows- and still loves with undeniable grace. And it is not by chance that this dynamic is to be reflected in our deepest earthly relationships- this pure idea that we can be known and loved by another human.

I am convinced that the obscure human need of knowing and being known correlates directly with our ability to love and be loved. I can't possibly lock the doors of my heart and expect to give unselfishly to someone else, nor can I run and hide from who I am and expect a deep, abiding affection in return. Thankfully, opening hasn't been a stinging reminder, but a gentle revelation of grace, trust and honesty from those I love most. It is with this revelation that I continue my journey, not alone in a world of uncertainty, but with the glorious realization that I can be fully known- and loved too.

shifts

There's something therapeutic about good conversation.

Whether it's with your mother or your friend, you find out more about yourself with every dialogue. I've become increasingly aware of my desire to make my own path, to be my own person, to make my own impressions- and having the backing of some special people makes the journey even more beautiful.

It is interesting to look back over the past two years and see the decisions and situations that have shaped the path thus far. Some have been frightening and unsure while others have been so clear I might have tried to see straight through them. Regardless, life is not the same as I had envisioned and I thank Him for seeing to that. I don't work the job I thought I wanted and I don't fit the mold I thought I wanted to be in. I am less cynical and more open to listen. I have grown closer to the two people that spent the first 17 years of my life tirelessly teaching me how to live and love independently. I have surrounded myself with guys who are striving to be confident men of character. I am chasing after a young lady who has shown me another side of grace and keeps me running hard. I am coming into myself. I am coming into freedom.

In life there are tremendous shifts- they take us to places that we may not have gone before, only to find what we've been wanting all along. Just try to keep your balance...

the bubble

What is so irrelevant about Christians and their churches today? Is it the service format? Is it the denomination? Is it the t-shirts, bumper stickers and corny messages? I think the issue goes much deeper.

In the midst of attempting to be relevant and engaging to the culture around, we're changing the wrong things. We're setting up phenomenal experiences, marketing our services toward "the lost" and making our churches less and less traditional and uptight. Yet, nothing is really changing. Drawing people into the Christianized sub-culture is not having an radical effect on their hearts and minds. This proves the fact that people do not want to conform to a lifestyle defined by cultural judgements and presumptions. They want and need to understand love. We could be taking Christ to the streets, loving and spending time with people without an agenda attatched to our conversations. But instead, have we traded the investments of true relationship for the quick-fix lifestyle change that is only a reflection of the current consumerist mindset? It's so much easier to bring people into this "safe" and enlosed environment, and I dare say that we'd be happy never darkening the places that need us most. The "come-to-us" philosophy sucks. It doesn't work. The Christian life should not be spent building churches and giving to further the "kingdom of churchianity". Maybe if we stopped being so involved in church activities, we'd get a better picture of reality and what Jesus is doing the lives of people outside of the Institution. I'm not talking about cleaning up everyone's act, it's about pouring our hearts out to others so that their's may be changed to think and love differently. (not about the actions).

I may sound a little mad, but I'm really not. I see these things in myself more than anyone. Although I'm not a big fan of the Christian group, "Avalon", a verse from one of their older songs has struck me:

Wait a minute, if we say we love them
why are we not in it? why we run and hide?
entertain a stranger, maybe entertain an angel
the danger is if our worlds don't collide

Evangelism is not a separate task, nor is it a rallied cause. Christ' love should come out naturally as we live daily. We don't have to an agenda or support the latest Christian fad to feel like we're doing our "job". This way of making things prettier and safer without being truthful about the reality of life makes us irrelevant and unconcerned with the world around us.

In his book "Radical Reformission", Mark Driscoll states:

Rules, regulations and the pursuit of outward morality are ultimately incapable of preventing sin. They can only, at best, rearrange the flesh and get people to stop drinking, smoking, and having sex, only to start being proud of their morality. Jesus' love for us and our love for him are, frankly, the only tethers that will keep us from abusing our freedom, yet they will enable us to venture as far into the culture and into relationships with lost people as Jesus did, because we go with him.


Let us love others with perseverance and openness.

summer safety

Well, not exactly...

With the first few week of summer resting on assured plans and blueprints for the future, the coming weeks have only promised uncertainty. Some major changes are taking place, leaving me with more questions to ponder. I don't particularly understand why I have spent the past two years in a particular state of life only to watch it slowly lose its fire in my heart. But now, I'm heading down the other path that sheds an obscure light, leaving minute trails of hope with every glimmer of Grace that I receive. There's no destination, no map, just me holding on to what I know is True. I know that I will get through, just not on my terms or ideas. Thankfully, I am surrounded by love and the support I need to make it.

I will be stretched to love more, fight more and hope more than I ever have.

morph

My life is changing...pretty fast.

Everything I had in mind a year ago is no longer in mind.

I like it.

Mute Math=unbelievable.

bay and coffee

Summer is here!

I'm on the Eastern Shore for the next few months- and it's gonna be krunk city.

oh yes.

pitch black without a sound...

Well, the semester is winding down and I will soon be released into the summer. The culmination of a junior year with new friendships and experiences will come to an end, leaving me to rethink, regroup and most importantly relax.

You see....
I've been really busy.

Not the 8-5 kind of busy...

the I don't know what to do with myself kind of busy.

too busy for friends
too busy to accomplish simple tasks
too busy to take a breath and
exhale...

Ok, so I'm obviously not filling my every minute with tasks and chores, but I have to grown to be very fond of the time that I spend alone.

I typically refuse silence. It is something that makes me uncomfortable and jittery. But lately, I've begun to see the need for it. I love people and spend most of my day in the presence of others, making conversation and listening. But some of my best moments have happened during quiet night drives across the bay, or sitting in my room when the roommates have gone. It makes me consider the tough questions. It causes me to re-prioritize. It lets me think about the people I care for the most. It lets me exhale...

Thank Jesus for silence.

He always got away. You'd find Him in a crowd, then He would escape. Not that He was the sneakster or anything, but it seems He knew the importance of solitude. It's like He didn't need anyone's validation. It's like He didn't need to be the center of attention. It's like he knew...
He knew that His time was coming.
He wanted to be with His Father.
He wanted to share Himself with his closest friends- the ones who would sleep through the night watch, the one who would betray Him, the one who would deny Him...thrice.

He desired the silence...
after all, He created it.

So I'm not leaving for the life of a monk, but I am convinced that I must embrace the silence.
Life will be all the more special because of it.

wrigley...

It's really tough to learn that your consumerist, capitalistic life is being spent on the abundance of selfish desire.

In Chicago, I learned that constant conversation with Jesus Christ makes for a day filled with opportunity- the kind of opportunity that leads me in the direction of others rather than myself. I spent my week in this mindset, progressively realizing that I couldn't build a hut, write a song or conjure up some kind of emotional indwelling that would lead people to Jesus. I walked into an elaborate temple-ornate with decorative items that make grad-school artistry look like kindergarten sketches- only to watch people prostrate themselves before an assortment of statues. I was captivated yet disgusted. At one point I had to listen to this PR guy give a friendly lecture about the relevance of Islam to everyone. Head nodding, I maintained my attentive composure by making sure everyone else's alertness was intact. There was this one really cool time when I had to eat spicy Indian food. Yet another time I spent filming footage for the spoof documentary. The culmination of these things has led me back to Mobile to be re-immersed in the Bible belt and Republican landscape. (it's ok) Now, you're probably wondering why these scattered thoughts aren't making any sense, that's because they don't. I still don't understand why I had to go to Chicago to pray. Surely I could've sent some funds, put them on a prayer list or even better mentioned the missionaries during the Lottie Moon Offering sales pitch. I don't understand why everyone just can't worship the same God and go to private school and vote elephant (that would be republican) and live away from everything that is scary and mean. I don't even understand why Indian food has to suck.

Of all that I do not understand, one thing that is clear is Jesus' Lordship over my life. I didn't see any converts. I didn't get to counsel anyone. Heck, I didn't even get to hand out a tract. Sheesh. But I saw His purpose. It is more powerful than anything I could ever imagine, proceeding outside of my finite spectrum of time, and arriving at destination, on its time. This is the beauty of not getting it. and I love it.

So, on a less idealistic and writer's fluff scale- my blueprint for the life I always wanted just got shredded. in the big paper shredder.

The Bridge

Recap coming soon!

time is winding down...

3 days until we leave for Chicago. (missions)

Largest Junior College in the nation- 35,000 FR. and SO.
Large Hindu population- 600,000.

6 days.
30 people.
the Windy City.

Pray for us!

S.A.D.

Valentine's Day-

For many it symbolizes a time to buy gifts and chocolates for your significant other.
For others, it is better known as "Singles Awareness Day."

For the past few months I have been thinking about how love, relationships and marriage play out in my current culture. At the University of Mobile High School, there are only a few options available to you. You're either: engaged, in a dating relationship, single, or alas, in buddyville (see Mat A or Sam G). Now, this brings me to my first point. A lot of engagements have taken place in this school year alone. Age not being a factor, this seems to unstabilize other people more than it does make them joyful. For a nice picture of the current dilemma, I've formulated this analogy:

Suppose college is an island on which you spend anywhere from four to six years in the jungles of work, love, heartache, and random fun. At the shore of this island sits a boat, (named Marriage). Now the interesting characteristic of this boat is that it will sail away pending its four year tenure. During its time, it will seat many prospective sailers on the venture to a foreign land (Adulthood). Yet, sorrowfully, it will leave many behind. The remaining bystanders will then wave goodbye to the beautifully crafted ark of wood, and stick around to catch a one-person canoe. Off they will float, beginning their voyage to Adulthood Land on their own.

The point of all this is that it seems most of us are waiting around to find that person we will spend the rest of our lives with. Sadly, while some may not admit it, we think that if we're not in that relationship by graduation time, then our chance to find that person has slipped away, leaving us desperate and lonely. The human heart speaks of the desire to love and be loved, and to give unabashedly to the person we commit our lives to. But remember, often times we begin dating/getting involved in a relationship with someone to cure our loneliness, or to fill the void that's not meant to be filled with the earthly relationship.

I have not kissed dating goodbye, and I'm not dating Jesus (because that's a little weird) but my pursuit of Jesus must be the ultimate desire of my heart from now on.

Letting everyone know I'm single so I can see "where the chips will fall" is not an accurate or wise avenue to go about finding someone to fall in love with.

As cliche' as it is, "going after God" with all of your heart is the only way to know the truth about yourself and what you desire in a relationship.

So, I think I'll hang out on the island. It's pretty fun, because, I mean, I'm not the only one. And if I happen to miss the boat, a canoe will get me to where I need to go, and it will be a great adventure.

I Can...

I know that it's true. The Gospel of Jesus is irresistible to me, even though it doesn't make sense a lot of the time.

I have a purpose. Not only purpose, but a single-minded mission that supercedes every career option or choice that I will ever make- to be a reflection of the Christ to all people.

If I submit to this mission- I can be fulfilled.

I can start with those around me.

I can stop criticizing the church, get involved, and be used by God for something bigger than my opinion.

I can stop loving my outward morality and embrace the changes Jesus will make in my heart.

I can start loving the people that piss me off.

I can be humble and accept the circumstances that come my way.

I can understand my responsibility to live under grace without walking the line. This makes me free. When I am free, I am not enslaved, when I am not enslaved- I can be single-minded. (kind of circular, huh?)

I love you all.

I Hate...

I had an interesting discussion with a friend tonight that inspired me.

I hate people that are liars, fakes, thieves, prideful, arrogant and selfish.

Is it true that: the character traits we hate most in others are the very things that we fail to resolve in our own hearts? I mean, is that a fair question to ask? I'm constantly reminded of this upon casting my own judgements everyday. You see, my opinion is of so much importance to ME that I can't imagine seeing others through the lens of Christ. It's much easier to do a critical analysis of the people I come in contact with everyday. It gives me a sense of security and reminds me of why I am better than them. It helps me build a sense of righteousness for myself. It reminds me of how great I am.

Then, I'm hit face to face with the things that I hate- coming out of my own life. Like when I withhold encouragement from someone because I know they're more talented, intelligent or attractive than me. Or maybe when I don't expose the whole truth on the grounds that I'm trying to save face with someone. Maybe it happens when I want to belittle someone who deserves to be cutdown. Wow. Shocking reality- I, too inherit most of these horrific attitudes and traits at some point. This idea levels the playing field for us all. We can no longer hold sin against others because we share the same problem.

Yet, as long as we are holding to our preconceived ideas of what people should be like, we will contine to pursue righteousness apart from our Creator and find fault in everyone but ourselves. This goes against God's grace, and we can't live under the banner of grace if we are unwilling to give or receive it. Grace sees us as we really are and speaks to us in truth, demanding repentance to God and forgiveness for others.

That is what makes love real...


Anybody who has once been horrified by the dreadfulness of his own sin that nailed Jesus to the Cross will no longer be horrified by even the rankest sins of a brother.- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Elevate

An amazing thing happened this past week...I managed to ski Winter Park without losing a limb. It was a great trip, filled with smart-alec teenagers, fun adults and lots of snow. I was able to spend time with my boys Grear and Brannon, and learn a few new ski-tricks in the process, even if that meant wiping out all over the Mary Jane. (it's a trail, don't worry) Our students heard the word on God's desire for authenticity and accountability. I am worn out and sick, but it's all worth it. I now find myself another day closer to the soon-to-be hectic semester and I'm stoked. Fun times.