gary

It was another sunny, spring day in March as I made my way back to work from my lunch break. As I slowed to a stop, I saw him. Walking parallel to my car was an unkempt, middle aged man wearing the shirt of my alma-mater. As he hobbled closer, I could see his leathery, dark skin deepened by the folds of his face. His midsection ballooned from his otherwise thin figure. His face embraced years of anguish and spoke stories of pain. He needed something. I went through the typical war in my heart of what to do as I sat miserably at that light on Dauphin street. I looked down in my cup-holder and behold, there lay a five-dollar bill. This time would be different. I rolled down my window as the light changed and rolled forward to meet the man, handing him the paper out of my passenger side window. He looked up and pointed to the sky as if to say, "thank You" or "there is a God". He told me, "thanks, brother" as I spilled words about him wearing a University of Mobile shirt. He grabbed my hand with an irremovable grip and I caught a glimpse of his piercing, crystal blue eyes. In that moment, I wasn't questioning his motives or wondering what he would do with the money. He was grateful and relieved. He had been waiting all day for that money and I was able to provide. I drove back to the office feeling somewhat accomplished.

That wasn't my only encounter with Gary. Not three days later, I was again driving to work when I saw him at the same light, with the same pained expression and the same need. I passed him on my way to grab a bite and when I went through the drive-thru, I couldn't help but think of him. So, I turned around and pulled in the parking lot beside that stop light. "You hungry, man?" I asked him. To my surprise, his answer was, "Man, I can't eat" as he lifted his shirt to reveal a large mass in his stomach. He proceeded to tell me about health issues that took away his appetite and body's ability to process food. He told me of his battered friendship with alcohol and drugs and inability to maintain a steady job. He told me about his hospital visits. He was homeless, close to death and without a real friend. I listened intently to his words, but didn't want to go beyond handing him that sandwich.

A few days later, I found him again around the same light. This time, he managed to get my cell phone number out of me, though I was unsure if it was sane or safe to let him. I felt the need to go beyond giving him spare change or lip service, so I told him to call me if he needed anything. And he did.

In the coming weeks I would receive several phone calls from Gary. Some just because he wanted to talk to, to listen to his story, to share in his suffering. One day, he asked to buy him some dog food. He loved that mutt more than anything and wanted to make sure it would survive. I took it to a random house where he asked me to leave it with a guy named John. This guy asked me, "why are you doing this for him? you should really watch out". He thought I was a creep when I stammered "I'm j-just doing this out of love, b-b-because I care." Needless to say, Gary called later to thank me for that dog food. Another day he asked me to buy him some groceries. I thought, "oh, it can't be too much" so I did. He gave me a long list of items from dog food to bratwurst to college ruled paper. He said to meet him in John's driveway and he would take me to his spot in the woods. I don't know what made me think it was a good idea to follow a homeless guy into the woods on a rainy afternoon, but I did anyway. When I pulled up to the driveway, he met me with a strained smile and a grateful heart. I followed him as he hobbled across the street through a narrow clearing in the woods. When I turned the corner, I saw a large campsite with several tents and fire pits. Proudly, he pointed to his tent, wedged between some trees and covered by an old, ratty tarp. Another guy named Mel (Gary called him a trustworthy friend) peeked out of his tent and helped us sort out the groceries. Being my first time in a homeless person's "home", I attempted to treat it as if it were any other person's suburban house. I made mention of the cooler posing as a fridge, his makeshift dining table and reliable rooftop canopy provided by several pine trees. It was home as he knew it, but I could not imagine the discomfort of sleeping in that environment night after night. I didn't stay long, but he made sure I knew how much he appreciated me.

Over the next few months, Gary would call me, but I didn't answer. I was worried about him developing an attachment, or using me for money. I didn't want the "responsibility" of tending to his needs all the time. After several missed calls, he left me a pleading voicemail, telling me how little concern he had for my money or things-he just wanted my friendship. He didn't care that I couldn't get him the bike tire he needed or fund his cell phone minutes, he just wanted someone to talk to and encourage him. He wanted someone to encourage him that one day his pain would be over and his soul restored. He shared his love for the Lord and how he had changed his life. He begged me to call him back.

It took me weeks to get back to him, right around the time of my wedding. I had felt guilty. I had tried to disconnect myself from him, avoiding his calls and pleas for an ear. So, I called to let him know that everything was ok-that he had not made me mad or hurt me-and that I still wanted to be his friend. He wished me the best of luck for our wedding day and wanted to see me sometime when we got back. I never got to see him.

It was a beautiful Saturday in September when I got the call from Mel. With a quivering voice he told me that Gary had died. He rode a bus to Chicago so that his family could take care of him. After being there a few weeks, his health failed him. I didn't know what to say. Mel was overcome with emotion and I just sat on the other line, wondering how to respond. It was a sick feeling to know that someone I had just spent the past six months in a relational limbo with ceased to exist any longer. Yet, I suppressed it. The conversation ended in a matter of minutes, and I knew that that was the last connection I would ever have to Gary.

The guilt was overwhelming. I had to deal with my inability to deliver for this man, but more importantly, my often uncompassionate heart. Sometimes it was too inconvenient to help him, to answer his phone calls, to listen to his story. I'm having to rid my heart of it. Yet still, I was able to look through the eyes of a needy and broken homeless man and see my own reflection. I am a sick, dependent, insecure creature in a world that I cannot legitimately call my home and I long for the day of restoration for my own soul. Something that Gary burned for in his last days here, but now is experiencing in abundance as he dances in delight before his Creator.

lately

I love my wife. I have always said that she is a side of grace that I had not gotten to experience until I met her, and this continues to hold true. I have learned more in the past four years than I think I learned in the previous twenty before knowing her. I am seeing restoration and healing in fresh ways and my pious religious outlook is being broadened daily by her driving compassion. She is a beautiful gift to me and this world. For anyone eager to see a living, breathing example of grace, please look to her and share in her story.

We have been in the midst of a crazy stretch lately...

Michelle in a full-time (non-paying) internship, attempting to graduate this May, dealing with the pain of losing her mother and grandmother within 2 months of each other, living with me in a dorm with 100 dudes, at a university with a lot of "smiling" faces, looking at potential jobs and grad school...

Trey in a full-time campus job, relationally demanding, part-time worship pastor, slacking as a husband, living in a dorm with michelle (and 100 dudes), organizing a 3-week trip to europe with wife and 4 college students, looking at grad school options for the next year and trying to figure out how to love his wife more...

All this while she has been supportive, loving and gracious to me-even when it has been difficult. Through this stretch we have been learning how to love "in spite of". I am a needy soul searching for the acceptance and affirmation of everyone but Jesus, yet she loves me anyway. She is a needy soul attempting to control her circumstances that for so long were out of her control, yet I try to love her the way she deserves to be loved. It is a beautiful picture of grace. I cannot imagine life without her at my side, as God continues to use her to shape me into who I should become. It has been a rewarding time so far and I am grateful. 

Michelle graduates with a Bachelor's in Social Work from USA on May 14th.

We board the plane to Europe on May 16th. 

Life is crazy, but it is good... 

worship leading 101

If you are a "worship leader", stop looking at yourself as a "guitar carrying, sing the latest songs and look really cool on stage" guy. Begin to see your role as a pastor. Whether you like it or not, your role as a musician is not as important. In the church, your main purpose is to remove distractions and point people to the person of Christ. This means that there is more to leading than just making your way through a group of cool songs. In order to lead, you must actually take the people somewhere.

I am not saying musicianship/skill is not important. Contrarily, continually progressing in your skill set is glorifying to God. (and lack of skill can become a distraction to those you may be trying to lead) There is a growing trend among young worship leaders that is exposing our lack of biblical leadership. We have more resources, songs and instructional videos than any generation before us. With this many young musicians are growing up thinking that if they can play a few chords on the guitar and sing on-key most of the time that they are "called" to lead worship. But the "calling" is that of pastoral proportions (so funny, I know). Fellow musicians, we must reshape the way we think of leading worship and see ourselves as pastors!

How do you prepare yourself to "pastor" people in worship? Here are three things I believe, while certainly not comprehensive, are foundational to pastoring effectively.
-Study the Word
-Pray for God's direction
-Sharpen your communication skills

-Study the Word, ALOT- Many Christians think that in-depth study of Scripture is only for "senior" pastors and teachers. Many "worship leaders" perceive their role is to "lead songs" and get people to sing. Unfortunately, this line of thinking leads to Christians who don't seek to learn on their own and have ill-informed faith while "worship leaders" are glorified rock stars in the Church. As a worship pastor, seek to know Scripture as one who must reproduce it, then use it effectively during the set. Christians will be reminded and inspired of what, why and who they are to be worshipping. Scripture will provide clear explanation of "why" to those who don't believe. Especially for the current generation, who can sing every word to any song, no matter the content. It is important to remind this generation (me too) to whom our songs are being sung, even if we must take a break from singing.

-Pray for God's direction- This is something I have not placed much dependence on. It is interesting that I can "plan" Holy Spirit out of a set. With production, clever song choices and a manuscript to lead from, who needs the One who gives us direction? Prayer is essential to knowing the heart of God. When we pray, we listen to where God wants us to go. This is a cultivated discipline. It is not to summon a "magic moment" but to learn sensitivity and awareness to how Holy Spirit is convicting, changing and directing the hearts of His people. This can play out several ways in relation to a worship set, but the point is to align yourself with His purposes by communicating with Him. Be aware. (and yes it may screw up your plans)

-Sharpen communication skills- (verbal and non-verbal) The goal is to communicate God's Word in a brief, clear and simple way. This is done by KNOWING the material and what you are trying to say. Memorize Scripture. Write down your thoughts. Then write them again in a different way. See your thoughts through the eyes of a non-Christian. Find words that would not make sense to a skeptic or unbeliever and re-word the thought. Do this until your presentation is thorough and concise. Don't preach or re-preach from the stage. Don't jumble your words or say meaningless jabber. If there is nothing valuable to say, don't speak. It should not feel forced. It is always awkward and ineffective when a worship leader is launches into a sermonette or a rant about this or that. Be happy. Smile. Relax. Have fun as a musician. Lead with your eyes OPEN, not closed. If you screw up, the earth doesn't stop rotating. God is glorified despite our blunders. Be confident in what God has given you to lead His people, His Word.

Carry on worship pastors!

worship leading 100...

I feel like writing a little post on practical ways of "leading worship". I realize that I work for a school that boasts a legitimate "Worship Leadership" program, training young men and women to lead churches and congregations in musical worship (and also lifestyle). Yet, I see that there is a lot of confusion about what it means to lead worship. I, by no means I have a great understanding, but I'm just trying to get some thoughts out about practical things to know and do in the position.

Some ideas:

If you change your voice/dialect/tone in singing or speaking-you're probably being fake.

If you feel the need to pray/say something to fill space-you probably want too much control.

You can't fake a lack of musical proficiency.

If it is not backed by scripture, then "leading worship" through playing music is pointless.

It's difficult to follow someone you don't really know.

It's difficult to lead people you don't really know.

In order to lead, you have to take people somewhere.

Intentionally take the focus off of what is obvious. (musicians, surroundings, etc)

Direct people to the person of Christ.

Most importantly, God is not impressed by my talent, ability and/or confidence. It's crazy how we often feel that He is. I can get a whole service right in every aspect- and be dead wrong before Him in my heart.

Short, biting and to the point. Truthful things I of which I must remind myself.

five years?

I never know how to answer the question of: where do you see yourself in five years"? It is usually a shrug, furrowing of the brows and mix of I..I..uh..think...uh..I...don't know. The questioner could be thinking, "you have no vision for the future" or "wow, you're 23 years old, Trey-you should have thing figured out by now..." It had never really bothered me to have an unclear career path. It is only this past year that I have begun to wrestle with my lack of direction and find my future.

Our first legitimate married scuffle: She thought I was copping out. I mean, c'mon- it had only been 2 weeks and there I was, straining to find motivation to go to one of my two graduate classes of the semester. "You didn't realize it was going be more difficult, but you still have to try" she said. Yet, I had already determined that this research-driven program was not for me. On one hand, getting the master's would only be useful for doctoral study; leaving me with a seemingly useless degree. I did not want to waste two years and several thousands of dollars on something I was not absolutely motivated to do. But I followed through with the rest of the semester...and finished with two C's.  C's! Really!? I can't even do anything with those. In undergrad, they're average-but in "Graduate school" (said with fancy restaurant butler voice) they don't count for much...except a sub-par GPA. There. Check that failed attempt at locking down the future with a clear career path. 

Nevertheless, I am again realizing that life is no longer a game of young adulthood irresponsibility. My new and precious marriage requires patience, selflessness, humility and direction; among other qualities that I didn't spend much time cultivating as a single person. Life now has a more refined structure to it-chores being done on time, budgeting money, carving out dating time and preparing for the future. And the lady I chose to marry has a solid plan for the next 3 years. Get a B.S.W. Then get an M.S.W. Get licensed...and VOILA she's a bonafide social worker. I have a B.S in communication. I work on campus. I play music on the side. And I have yet to figure out where I am going. Honestly- I've prayed about it. Sparingly. But it is as if I haven't reached the point of desperation to grovel for some kind of sign or answer. Part of me knows that my future is in the hands of God while the other is struggling to take the steps to find it. And that is where this plane lands. Where do I go from this familiar and comfortable University that literally is my home? Do I leave with the intention of finding the next "perfect" job?

I don't know what life will look like five years from now. Maybe it will introduce a child, a new job and a new area of living. Maybe I'll be a better singer and guitarist. Maybe I'll get gray hair. Or lose some. Regardless, I know that I must continue cultivating character and discipline as a young husband so that when new opportunities arise, I have the maturity and wisdom to handle them. And five years will bring more perspective and growth for me to know where I'm going. 

dream

Somewhere in the deep recesses of twenty-something, you can't find your dreams. It happens about the time you walk across that platform and grasp the most expensive headline you'll ever read. You are thrown into a world of ovation, gifts and the satisfying sense of achievement. You have just spent your entire preliminary adult life being informed about the world, its processes and earning a healthy roadmap for your future. You get your first real job and a roof over your head. Things are taking off. But, you soon find that achievement being replaced by anxiety. And your life is no longer planned out for you by your parents, teachers or a pastor. It's kind of fun- but really scary. You always thought you would start out in the dream job with the big bucks. Instead, you're working a job you don't even like while hoping you'll be able to buy a ring for your potential fiance in the next 10 years. You no longer have a life goal because you've accomplished everything set for you in your childhood. There you stand in a field of opportunity as it begins to rain. And it seems like there's nowhere to cover your head.

I didn't see any of it coming. I had both idealistic and unassuming expectations of the future before I finished college. I wouldn't have thought the sunshine of my future would get lost in the clouds. But lucky for me, I married a lady who just can't let me settle in the chair of mediocrity. So, back I go to square one where my slate is clear. I am learning how to dream again. I am reclaiming the vivid boy-like imagination that has characterized my world since the day I entered my mother's arms. I am taking time to develop my creativity and turn the conceptual into something tangible. I am venturing to be not a replica but avant-garde.

Looking to make something happen...

called

What does it mean to be "called" into ministry?

As I previously posted, I remember feeling that "call" when I was younger, not really understanding what it entailed. I thought it would be really cool to spend the rest of my life in a church, getting ready for Sunday. In my mind, ministry was a "high-calling", one that would certainly earn God's favor and blessings. "Jesus likes to bump elbows with the deacons and talk football with the pastors after church," I thought. It was the world that I had both found my niche' and considered to be my future.

Yet, I have realized that a better understanding is needed. Ministry is not restricted to the building and it not defined by a title. It is not only the staff or pastor's job to administer Christ, it is mine and yours. It knows no boundary and is not hindered by a budget. It is a living, breathing response to a world of despair.

As hard as I try, I cannot store away my opinions on the institutional church. I get tired of all the hoopla from the progressive end and the seeming disconnect from the hidebound. I loathe seeing a sermon series named after a popular movie and my ears are ringing from the multi-delay sounds of Jesu2s music. (some will catch that) I mean, come on, people aren't that impressed with the institutional church's forgery of culture. Often, I'm embarrassed to what goes on in the Christian world we have created. Yet, I find myself smack-dab in the middle of it, laughing at the same pastor-ish jokes and watching the new Catalyst videos. I have a giga-delay on my guitar pedal-board and other popular pedals leading to a nice "Christiantone"- coined to me by a local fifteen year-old. (you can't get too crazy in the sanctuary) And sometimes I just think I'm the coolest church person I know.

Anyway, I'm not sure I have a point or cool tagline. So, I'll leave it at that.